Starbucks jeopardizes the safety and well-being of Celebrities - Boycott them!
As all Celebrities are often forced to do when mingling with the public, Stephy and I must dress inconspicuously or even in disguise to protect ourselves from the excited mobs. Don't get me wrong, I bear no ill will towards the humble anonymous class. I simply know that it is impossible to expect their brains not to be sent into a frenzy when encountering someone like "The Alarmingly Charmingly Cousins" whom they admire and emulate.
That being said, we (The Celebrated Class) cannot be expected to be "on" at all times. Sure, we'll gladly sign autographs, take pictures, kiss your babies, bless your sick. But we need "me time" too! Believe us when we say "We're people just...like...you. Just a little bit betterer -- but people none-the-less."
This brings me to my Boycott of the exploitative corporation of Starbucks. After a long day of celebrity activity or perhaps in preparation for a day filled with such, I would like the option of enjoying my croissant and tall steamed milk with natural cane sugar in peace. However, in order to get my order, I am forced to provide them with my NAME which is then shouted at the top of a barista's lungs when ready! Suddenly, the entire cafe erupts in applause and wonder, and the prospect of a peaceful sip is banished into the ethers.
Luckily, I foresaw this happening before I was ever actually faced with the situation...but it is only my foresight and cunning that has kept me from being mauled! Fortunately, I know enough about my fans to know that this would happen if I were ever careless enough to give my real name.
But its not fair that I should have to deny my own name! Lord help us if my alias of Rainbow Starski is ever discovered. But, is it not just as easy to simply shout out the drink name? Why does Starbucks insist on using their customers' birthnames when giving them their orders? I will tell you why. They have long been involved in a conspiracy with the blood-thirsty papparazzi to expose and exploit celebrities visiting their locations for their own personal gain! It is truly despicable and we shan't stand for it any longer! Starbucks? More like Starexploiters!
Please boycott this heinous celebrity-terrorizing company! I, of course, can not join you in doing so, as I rely on their first-rate variety of coffee bean and top notch customer service to get me through the day. But I know my cause is in good hands with you fine people.
Love and Light,
Buffy Jane
